Trust me I'm The Doctor
by Lyowyn
Summary: Just a bit of Doctor Who/Snarry fluffyness. This is a companion piece to Give Me Life. It could probably stand alone, but you should probably read that first.


Author's Note: This is just some fluff- rated M for foul language. It's a companion piece for Give Me Life, written as a challenge response for AirElemental101. I'm not entirely sure on the timeline for this. If you figure that Harry is eleven when the first book was published, then the timing works out that it's 2005, which is fine, but there are other sources that put Harry's birth earlier than that. I swore that there was an actual date in the books somewhere, but I haven't been able to find it. Anyway, if the timing doesn't work out, just fucking pretend, alright?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or related characters.

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Trust me; I'm The Doctor

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It was Sunday, and Severus hadn't seen Harry since they'd had breakfast that morning. Harry had taken to spending Sunday afternoons in his quarters, and Severus wasn't thrilled with this sudden change in routine- not that he'd admit it to Harry. When four o'clock rolled around, and Harry still hadn't reappeared, Severus resolved to go over to Harry's quarters and find him.

"Good afternoon, Headmaster." Bertram grinned at him happily from his frame. "Here to see Harry, I imagine."

"Yes," Severus scowled, "now let me in."

"Happily," Bertram agreed, "I just need the password."

"I'm the headmaster, you idiot; I don't need a password."

"Ordinarily, I would agree with you," Bertram said, "but, I'm on strict orders from Harry that he doesn't want to be disturbed."

"If he doesn't want to be disturbed, why are you willing to let me in with a password?" Severus asked. "Wouldn't he want you to keep me out anyway?"

Bertram shrugged. "He just said not to let anyone in without a password."

Severus let out a long-suffering sigh. This was so juvenile. "Fine," he relented, "soupy twist."

"Sorry," Bertram said. "That's not it anymore. Harry changed it."

Severus scowled. "This is inane. Just let me in. Why, in Merlin's name, would Harry want to lock me out?"

"Maybe he's doing something that he doesn't want you to know about."

"Like what?" Severus asked. "Masturbating? Trust me, I don't care. If you let me in, I'll give him a hand."

Bertram swallowed uncomfortably. "No," he said, firmly, "not that."

"What then?"

"If he's doing it in secret, I don't think that he'd want me to tell you."

"He is _alone_?" Severus asked suspiciously.

"Yes," Bertram agreed, "quite."

"Then what could he possibly be doing that he wouldn't want me to know about?" Severus demanded. Come to think of it, Harry had seemed rather happy about a package he'd received from Granger that morning. He hadn't said what was in it, but Severus hadn't really cared. That was around the time Harry had disappeared. "You're _sure_ he isn't masturbating?" Severus asked again.

"Yes."

Well, that was good, he supposed. It would be out of character for Granger to be sending Harry sex toys: Fred and George maybe, but not Granger.

Okay, so what could Harry's password be then? If he changed it himself, it shouldn't be that hard to figure out. "Snitch," Severus suggested.

"You're guessing," Bertram said.

"Of course I'm guessing," Severus snapped. "How the hell am I supposed to know what it is? I haven't seen Harry since this morning."

"Well, I'm not going to let you in if you just guess."

Severus scowled. Harry's portrait was completely ridiculous- utterly mad. Continuing with this exercise in futility was totally insane, and yet he continued anyway. He was stubborn like that. "Harry said to let anyone in with the password, so you have to let me in if I use it," he reasoned. "It doesn't matter if I guess or not."

Bertram didn't respond to this.

"Besides," Severus continued. "If I wanted to, I could just take down your frame and go in anyway; I know all of Harry's wards." This was an empty threat; while Severus did know all of Harry's wards, taking down the portrait would require Filch's assistance, and that would in turn require that he reveal to Filch why it was necessary that he break into Harry's quarters. Anyway, Bertram didn't know that.

"Fine," he relented, "guess then."

Severus thought it over, and then began trying various Quidditch terms, none of which proved fruitful. He gave up with that when he finally tried Chudley Cannons as a last ditch attempt. He tried to think of other things Harry would use as a password. He tried a few Defense terms, but wasn't really expecting it to pay off. He'd about given up all hope and resolved to give Harry his privacy, and had turned around and give his own password to the gargoyle on the other side of the hallway, really needed to change that, when he had a curious idea.

"Snape," he said, turning back to the portrait.

Bertram scowled at him, and the frame swung open to admit him.

Severus stepped through the portrait hole with understandable trepidation. Whatever he had been expecting to find Harry doing, the truth took him completely by surprise.

"Is that a television, Potter?"

Harry looked up in surprise from where he sat on the sofa. There was a small television set on the tea table in front of him, connected to some kind of recorder device.

"You know what a television is?" he asked stupidly.

"_Half-blood_ Prince," Severus said, "remember? I just took you to the cinema. Of course I know what a television is; I grew up surrounded by muggles."

"Well, yeah," Harry said, "but that was like a million years ago."

"Exactly how old do you think I am, Potter?"

Harry shrugged.

"Is this why you've been hiding from me all day?" Severus asked, gesturing disgustedly at the idiot box.

"I haven't been hiding from you. I just figured that you had work to do, and I wanted to watch this."

"You changed your password."

"Oh, um," Harry looked embarrassed. "Draco's been bothering me all week. I wanted to keep him out."

"Why has he been bothering you?" Severus narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

Harry flushed. "It's kind of private; I don't want to talk about it."

"Tell me," Severus demanded.

Harry's flush depended, and he muttered something under his breath.

"_What_?"

"He wanted to, um…"

"_Well_?"

"He wanted to know who's on top when we have sex," Harry mumbled.

It was Severus' turn to flush. "What did you tell him?'

"To fuck off, because it wasn't any of his business." Harry blushed again at the curse. "But he's been bugging me all week."

Severus sighed. "I'll talk to him."

"Okay," Harry said, "I'll see you tonight."

Severus frowned. Harry had hardly left his side since they had started dating, and he'd certainly never given up one of their rare weekends off to cloister himself away in his rooms to watch television. Why was he so eager to be rid of him anyway? What was he watching? Porn? Severus was on the other side of the set and couldn't see what was on the screen. Harry looked uncomfortable as he rounded to the other side and stood by the sofa to look. He watched for a moment, but didn't see anything particularly embarrassing. "What is this?" he asked.

"Doctor Who," Harry admitted.

"No it isn't."

Harry frowned at him.

"I've seen every episode of Doctor Who," Severus said. "This isn't Doctor Who."

"You're a Doctor Who fan?" Harry asked with wide eyes.

Severus didn't answer. Now he looked a little embarrassed.

"This is a new episode," Harry explained.

As Severus watched, sure enough, the scene changed and the TARDIS appeared on the screen. "Who is that guy?" Severus asked, indicating a man in a leather coat.

"That's The Doctor," Harry said, as though it should be obvious.

"Where's his celery stick?" he asked.

"He doesn't have one," Harry answered. Severus looked skeptical. "This new one is better. I think he's the best so far."

"He can't be better than Tom Baker."

"No, really," Harry assured.

Severus sat down on the sofa and resolved to watch, just to point out all the reasons why this new Doctor was inferior.

By the third episode, Severus was willing to admit that the new guy was pretty good- maybe even the best. That was up until he regenerated again, then Severus changed him mind. Tennant was fantastic! He watched in rapt attention until they ran out of episodes.

When they were through, it was almost one in the morning, and they had to be up for work early. Still, Severus felt wide awake. Harry didn't seem to be suffering from the same problem. He yawned widely as he flicked his wand at the magically modified television to turn it off, and slumped back onto the sofa, resting his head against Severus' shoulder.

"I like the tenth Doctor the best," Severus said, reaching over to rub Harry's back.

"Better than Eccleston?" Harry asked, turning to look at Severus, frowning. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Severus said defensively.

"But he has glasses and floppy hair."

Severus stared at Harry until he realized what he had said, and Harry looked down sheepishly.

"I like my men with glasses and floppy hair," Severus defended.

Harry looked up at him and smiled. "I like mine righteously indignant with huge noses," he said, and pulled Severus in for a kiss before he could be offended.

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Author's Note: Just for the record, Matt Smith is my Doctor. Also, Neil Gaiman kicks ass. Reviews are always appreciated. I don't usually write responses, but if you indicate that you want one I will.


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